The Guilt

I was skeptic if his presence could still be bothering me as it had been before I went for a week’s holidays back home. But unlike I planned, he, an asshole, would appear before me finding ways to blow me up. I know that this is a rare and heartening attitude, as it somehow indicates his nature of friendship and his hopeful spirit. But as always, I do things which I never want to do and I am not supposed to do as these things kill the calmness I am left with at heart.

So what I did? I misbehaved and literally insulted him being such a barefaced shameless guy who had no self-respect. It was mean of me. He had this beautiful trait that everyone should learn and appreciate. It was so rude and shameful of me to publicly make fun of someone’s virtue so unpleasantly, and somehow use this as a way to knock him out of my way. In my defense, I’d ask what I could have done then? Tell him something that I had been hiding deep inside my earth in a safe locked and secured in every possible way I could, the truth?

I just couldn’t find any less disheartening way. Perhaps telling the truth could be more shocking and disturbing than making myself the villain in a game I am prone to lose every time.

But that night somehow the guilt made me so sick that I took days to sleep and wake up heavy hearted next morning. On one hand I wanted to go and tell him how bad I was feeling and tell him why I did it, on the other I didn’t want the planned-and-successfully-executed after-effect the dispute had created- Ignorance. I wanted distance as holding it longer could lead to long-term emotional wrecks. So, still heavy hearted and over-thinking, I whatsapp-ed him :

“kal ED ( Engineering drawing) ke kaam ka frustration nikaal dia tujhpar. Sorry haan. Didn’t mean dat way.”

(I was frustrated doing my homework, the result of it was that I jumped on you and insulted you. I’m Sorry.)

I then sat, silent for now the message was sent and delivered and I was waiting for him to read it. And it was read.

There was no reply.


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